About Dating Online

While online dating lures our technological hearts, beware that it comes with real pitfalls, not virtual.

Online dating sites have cropped up like virtual weeds, offering romance and the chance to find a soulmate. But jumping into the online dating things is like tap dancing through a minefield. Case in point, my friend (let's call him Hubert) who thought he found true love online.

Here's a true story of what happened to poor Hubert. While he's a bright guy, well-read, loves chess and music, he hadn't hooked up with anyone in some time. He thought it was his time to fall into a serious relationship.

Hubert hopped online, joined a dating service and started surfing the choices. He thought it was way cool to peruse the bios of women from across the country. He liked the voyeuristic thrill of sizing up women without them knowing it.

He sent out some e-mails and waited for any takers. To his delight, a response to his e-mails popped up on his computer from a woman that lived about 200 miles away. They exchanged pleasantries and eventually photos. Hubert thought he had stumbled onto a winner.

He arranged to meet the woman at a coffee shop about halfway between both of them. It was a long ride, but he liked her sense of humor and easy-going attitude in writing, at least. He had never met a woman like this.

Based on the photo she had sent, he anticipated meeting a vivacious woman of around 40 years old with dark hair and shiny eyes. In the coffee shop, he scanned the crowded tables, but didn't spot the woman in the photo. However, he did spot a woman sitting alone at a table in the corner.

Unfortunately, she didn't look anything like her photo. Actually, her photo was probably taken about 20 years and 40 pounds ago.

OK, people change. But aren't we suppose to be more concerned what's inside a person rather than what they look like? He sat down, slightly put off by her deception, but tried to make the best of it.

Within minutes, they fell easily into a long conversation. The chemistry was bubbling between them. Hubert thought he had found the most incredible woman he had ever met -- even if she were older and heavier than she first portrayed.

For the next month, they saw each other on weekends. Hubert was falling deeply into love, and he had online dating to thank for it. They enjoyed discovering each other, sharing dreams and their lives. Hubert thought it was crazy, but he quickly envisioned moving in with this woman. His search was over for the perfect mate.

Within a couple of months, they were planning to live together. They discussed finding an apartment halfway between their respective towns. Compromise was easy for both. This was true love, nurtured on the Internet.

That was until the day Hubert sent an e-mail to his Internet lover and she never answered. He sent her text messages -- no answer. He called her cell phone and got her recording, but not her. He was concerned that something had happened to her. Maybe she was sick; maybe was kidnapped by aliens. Did he offend her? Who knew what?

Hubert considered calling friends, but realized that she really didn't have any. They had met, fallen in love and he had never met one friend or family member. She told him that she was from a small town near Chicago. But he had never been to her house.

Out of desperation, he went back online and saw that her profile was gone from the Internet dating service. Being a savvy guy on the Internet, on a whim, he googled her name. He was surprised when several newspaper articles popped from his search.

He clicked the latest and read about the woman, the love of his life, who he had met on the Internet. His stomach dropped to his knees when he read the headlines: "Local Woman Charged With Murder of Her Husband."

Breaking into a sweat, he read the story, learning that this wonderful woman he had met online was married to the man she allegedly murdered for 12 years and worked as an office manager for an insurance firm. But the husband's body was not found after three months of investigation when she reported her husband missing. A queasy feeling knotted his stomach. He was too stunned to read on. His Internet love affair had crashed and burned.

Could she be contemplating of doing the same to him? Hubert couldn't go there. It was too frightening, too incomprehensible. He had never seen any strange behavior in her. She was kind, loving and told him that they were soulmates.

This true story is not a condemnation of online dating. But a warning that when you go looking for love, you never know what you're going to find. Of course, there are many stories of people falling in love through online datin

One of the important questions that loom before us on our first date is what we should be wearing? Giving the right impression on the very first date is vital as it would decide whether you will meet the person in the future or not. Therefore the way you look and present yourself matters a lot, no matter how much your date would deny the fact that looks are not on his/her list of qualities that a potential partner should have. The first date used to be a formal affair when both met up for dinner at a posh restaurant. However, with the changing times, this popular practice has become passe and dinner at the local diner or going to a ball game or a music concert and other such activities have replaced the formal affair that the first date used to be. No matter where the two of you meet, it is very essential for you to dress up appropriately. Here are a few tips for you to get the right look on your first date.

Girls are almost paranoid before the first date. After the date is planned, they spend endless hours at the mall searching for the right outfit, the right pair of shoes and the right accessories. Another important aspect is makeup and jewelry. Makeup and jewelry should complement your looks and not dominate. Excessive use of makeup would make you look like a clown and going over the top with jewelry would make you look like a portable jewelry store. Either ways, the guy would find it very embarrassing to walk in your company.

If your date plans to take you to a posh and classy restaurant for dinner, it would pay to go light and subtle. The best possible dress on such an occasion would be a cocktail dress. As it would be a dinner date, colors like black, maroon, beige, forest green, white and deep blue would go better than their lighter versions. If you think that the cocktail dress would be too flashy, the LBD or the little black dress is an evergreen option. It is a safe way to ensure that you look great without thinking too much. Another possible option is a fancy white shirt with a classy pair of trousers or a smart little skirt. Keep makeup to a limit so that it accentuates your features. Give heavy accessories a miss and don something on the lighter side.

On the other hand, if your date plans to take you somewhere casual, think of denims, a bright and attractive top and sneakers to go with it. In this case you can accessorize according to what you might do on usual days. Avoid something that may look too revealing as it may give a wrong impression. Don’t forget to pay attention to what you do to your hair. A girl’s hair is a great turn on for men and if done the right way, it can do wonder to what he feels about you. Don’t forget a good perfume as guys are first attracted by the way a girl smells. Most often they relate a girl to one particular fragrance.

Just keep in mind, that you wear only what you are comfortable in.

Guys don’t have to worry so much as girls have to about what to wear on the first date. But still some guys do face confusion choosing what is appropriate enough to wear on their first date. If you are confused and don’t think that you will be able to choose the right outfit all by yourself, it is a good idea to have a female member of the family or a female friend to help you in your endeavor to look your best. Getting a female’s approval is a good idea as they would know what other girls would want a guy to look like on the first date. Another thing that guys ought to remember before their first date is basic hygiene.

If the date is arranged at an upmarket restaurant, a crisp black suit is the right option. Choose a suit that makes you look classy. If you think a suit is extravagant for your style, stick to a formal shirt in the richer and darker shades. Pay attention to what you may want to do with your accessories. Good accessories like the right watch, belt and shoes can help you earn brownie points with your date.

In case you have arranged to go for some place more casual, the best would be to stick to denims and a shirt to go with it. Make sure you wear the clothes with the right fitting lest your jeans droop too low or your shirt doesn’t seem your size. Girls hate these little things and probably would not opt for a second date if your dressing sense has such anomalies.

It is essential that you wear the right kind of clothes. Avoid something too loose or something too tight. It is always the best idea to wear just what you may be comfortable in.

A male reader wrote me to describe a recent date that he went on.  He thought it went great and noted the various IOIs she sent out, but when (four days later) he asked her to go out again, she shut him down with the “we didn’t click” excuse.  I have a feeling he’s not the only dude out there who’s experienced this very scenario, so here are my (expanded-upon) thoughts that I sent him about common first date dealbreakers that men often unknowingly fall prey to – especially when they are trying to apply game and maintain alpha frame.

Before I get into these things, men should keep in mind that while all women are the “same” in that they all have a certain set of emotional needs and desires, not all women are going to respond to the same strength of tactics.  Women who are used to attracting a lot of male attention (whether they’re beautiful or just kind of slutty) need harder game run on them than women who are shy, conservative, and/or don’t go on very many dates.  Bar kittens and unadventurous, dutiful church girls are a chasm apart in terms of what will get a positive response out of them.  Bar kittens usually need to be taken down a peg, whereas church girls need to be reassured that you have honorable intentions (well, unless you assume the role of supplicating beta).  They both want male leadership and confidence, but the way in which those qualities should manifest themselves is going to be different depending on the girl.  Also, a certain amount of what works on any girl is going to depend on the girl herself.  This is where having some social intuition comes in.  Just as there’s no one approach that works on every single girl, not every single church girl is going to respond to exactly the same game, either.

Okay, with that out of the way – here are some basics.  Yes, I know, NAWALT, so there will always be some exceptions to what I’m about to say.  You may have bumped up against one.  But by and large, especially when dealing with “good church girls,” the following hold true.

(1) Always pay. If she was the one who asked you out, offer to pay anyway.  It may sound petty, but not paying on the first date, unless the woman insisted on going dutch beforehand, is a dealbreaker.  (Even then, you should still offer to pay.)  If the woman liked you a lot and you didn’t pay, her friends will still tell her that you’re a loser for not paying, so no matter what, the well will be poisoned against you.  So just suck it up that you’ll have to pay.

Note:  EVEN IF THE WOMAN OFFERS TO PAY, YOU MUST STILL INSIST ON PAYING. In your head you may think, “Oh, she’s being fair and modern,” but ten bucks says that a church girl (and pretty much every other girl with a drop of femininity in her) will secretly be offended that you permitted her to pay and did not put up genuine resistance.  (However, if she keeps fighting you on it, let her.  But then cheekily tease her about being a feminist if she does pay.)

(2) At the end of the night, say you had a good time – IF you genuinely had a good time. Otherwise, just thank her for the chance to meet her, get to know her, and spend some time with her.  I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to tell her that you’ll call or that you should hang out again sometime – it’s too easy for men to say that and then not call or not ask for another date, which exasperates women.**  It’s better not to create expectations that can easily be dashed.  (But if you really do want to see her again, it’s fine to say that you should go out again.  If the girl isn’t interested, she’ll probably give a nebulous response like “Yeah, maybe sometime.”) Also, I don’t think it’s a good idea to ask for another date immediately at the end of the first date.  I’ve had this happen before, and it really puts the woman on the spot if she’s not sure if she’s attracted to you.  (**Roissy-style players can use exasperation to their advantage, because if you stiff her on a phone call, she will definitely have you on her Ish List and will be more likely to respond when you do finally call.  But that only works if you generated enough attraction in the first place.)

(3) It’s important to be respectfully playful. Gentle teasing works well on most women. Strength of any teasing/negs must be in proportion to how much romantic male attention the woman is used to getting.  Also, the teasing needs to be OBVIOUS.  Sometimes guys play teasing too deadpan, and the girl can’t tell if he actually means it or not and may feel insulted.  (Of course, sometimes it’s just that the girl has no sense of humor, which is something that’s outside of your control.)  A little bit of playfulness can go a long way in reassuring the woman that you’re safe to be with, have a good sense of humor, and aren’t overly invested in the success of the date.  Too often men fall into the trap of treating a date like a job interview, where she’s the boss they’re trying to impress, and they start trying to be walking encyclopedias about every topic they discuss.  It’s too business-like, doesn’t focus on the woman enough, and can even be alienating if the woman doesn’t have any interest in the topic.  So injecting a little playfulness into the date can alleviate a lot of the seriousness that sometimes occurs when men are trying hard to impress.

(4) Sometimes there just isn’t any chemistry. You can both be nice people but just have nothing to say to each other.  It’s not a failure on either part when that happens.  Don’t feel bad that you couldn’t squeeze blood from a stone.

This 'pickup' line works for me every time.

If you see a girl you want to talk to, go up to her, smile, put out your hand and say:
"Hello, my name is ...".

She will always respond by shaking your hand and telling you her name. It certainly takes courage to do this and she will notice your bravery.

So what next after this smooth introduction? Simple things like, "How is your day going?" or "Are you having a good time?" Make her feel comfortable and get her talking.

Sometimes, when I have felt really brave, I have added, "I saw you over here and justed wanted to say 'hi'". If she is feeling brave she might ask, "So why did you want to come and say 'hi' to me?" If things are going well I respond with "Because you're are so cute..."